Classic Pitt Report 126

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 11, 2009



Good Gay Friday
Rufus located his old friend and last member of the Strange Squad, Sambo Jackson. Rufus told Sambo about his whole good/bad thing and deemed Sambo as good, even though he was a little disappointed that they weren't playmates anymore. Rufus then put that aside to talk about Easter and how it was about the Easter Bunny and Jesus. He said it was good Friday and went on about was about to talk about what Good Friday meant but was interrupted by Manly Man Safari. Manly Man Safari said that he didn't accept the Good Friday that Christians did, but despite that, he still celebrated on this day. He said all the gays the world over celebrate Good Gay Friday. On Good Gay Friday, the gay lord and savior, Richard Simmons, finally reached a turning point in his previously heterosexual life. Richard realized he was overweight and needed liposuction. On Saturday, Richard went in and got lipoSUCKtion from his doctor, and was never the same. He left behind his old life as a hetrosexual male and on the third day rose (in more ways that one) again as a hairy-chested short shorts wearing exercising guru, whose gayness is evident! Manly Man left after Rufus said once again that he was bad. Manly Man took an interest in Sambo, and Sambo seemed to like him too. to be continued...

The Classic Pitt Report updates Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 125

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 9, 2009


Optic Ink Eye and She-Peepers: Good or Bad?

Show 1: Easter Bunny Spurrier
In another attempt to get Rufus to fight the Ink Avenger, Steve Spurrier dressed up like the Easter Bunny! Spurrier wore his trademark visor hat but and put on bunny ears around it, mistakenly thinking it would be enough to fool Rufus. At first, Rufus thought Spurrier really was the Easter Bunny, and got very excited about the prospect of getting all kind of special chocolates for Easter. Then Rufus began to smell (as he did a few days ago with Grandma Hydrick and the Manly Man Safari) and knew something wasn't right. He realized it was Spurrier and got all mad. Spurrier walked off, still vowing that he'd get Rufus to fight Ink Avenger.

Show 2: Optic Ink Eye/She Peepers: Good or Bad?
Later, Rufus found Optic Ink Eye and She Peepers in the woods. Amazingly, they weren't having freaky stalker/alien sex, as they usually are. Rufus came up and told them about trying to find out who was good and who was bad. He went on about all the bad people he's met so far. He then proceeded to deem Ink Eye and She Peepers as good...but not when they are together as a couple. Rufus said that Ink Eye and She-Peepers together as a couple was bad, bad, bad. He said that he and She-Peepers as a couple was good, making reference to the time when they were all teamed up as the Strange Squad and She-Peepers slept with everyone in the group. Rufus then left, leaving Ink Eye and She-Peepers to ponder what he'd said--or not.

The Classic Pitt Report updates Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 124

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 8, 2009


Johnny Pizazz and Red Doom are on the Run!

Show 1: Final Showdown with Hands of Time?

Johnny Pizazz and Doom appeared in the first show, trying to get Hands of Time to come out from wherever he hides. Doom and Pizazz are still on the run from Bates and Spurrier, after Hands of Time called the police about the two being male prostitutes. Doom said they had been driving in a car to get away, and had nothing to eat but vienna sausages and Spam. The lack of real food was making Doom's visions all screwy, and thinking about fat girls wasn't helping. Hands of Time finally appeared, high as a kite, as always. Pizazz and Doom demanded a final showdown with Hands of Time and they said that they would find a way to beat him and prevent the May Move this May. The impending "Pitts Apart" that will result from Hands of Time putting all the Shit Pitt in one place and all the Ink Pitt in the other has had Doom and Pizazz upset for some time. At first Hands of Time refused to fight them because he had better things to do. He finally agreed, and told them to bring everyone they could because there would be no way the could beat him. He then disappeared into thin air.

Show 2: Rufus Visits the Hydricks/Clues to the Identity of J-Diddy's Father

Grandma Hydrick was making the boys listen to her as usual, and made reference to preparing them to be the men they were always meant to be. Trevor was uptight because Grandma had just made him clean the bathroom after Wilbur came out. The Backed Up Trucker usually makes a big mess in the toilet after holding it in during those long drives from place to place. Billy G was all giddy and stupid like he usually is, and J-Diddy or Junior wanted to know who his real father is. Grandma Hydrick revealed that the reason she faked her death was because Grandpa Hydrick tried to kill her! Grandpa Hydrick was mad because Grandma had had sex with their son, birthing Trevor, Wilbur, and Billy G. Grandma said she had to do it to get heirs, and her son's wife was barren. But Grandpa Hydrick didn't like her cheating on him with their own son and threatened to do her bodily harm. So Grandma Hydrick faked her own death and went into hiding until the right time when she could re-emerge and raise her grandboys and boy (Junior) the right way. Junior (J-Diddy) now knows that Grandma Hydrick is actually his mother, but his father is still unknown. Grandma Hydrick made reference to who he was by dropping the clue that he "walks on the grass a lot, and reaches for things." No one could figure it out. Finally, the Hydricks got a visitor. It was Rufus. Rufus was still on his mission to find out who is good and who is bad. He saw Grandma Hydrick and said she didn't smell right, which offended the Hydrick boys. Rufus said she was bad and then left.

To Be Continued...

The Classic Pitt Report updates Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are

(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 123

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 7, 2009


Rufus talks about class and Spurrier taps some ass!


Show 1: Rufus talks about Special Class
Today Rufus talked about special class again, and how he is 25 years old and STILL in what's like elementary school to retards. (Wait isn't all school elementary to them?) Rufus said that he didn't like some of his classmates. They include Linda, Barry, Johnny, and Timothy. Rufus said Linda was fat and never paid attention. He said he doesn't like her because she is too fat and she smells. Barry is a tall kid, who is always literally looking down on his classmates. He looks down on them, but not in a normal way, since his neck is locked in place as he stares blankly into space. Rufus said Johnny is a jackass, and he's always taking Rufus' pencil and trying to eat it. He also wears fancier t-shirts than the other kids and brags about it. Finally Rufus doesn't like Timothy because he is gay AND retarded. After talking about that, Rufus concluded that he will fight Ink Avenger at some point in return for all the chocolate Steve Spurrier is offering him. He said that he hoped the Easter Bunny (Betram?) will bring him lots of chocolate bunnies!


Show 2: Spurrier and "Tap the Ass"/ Gay Easter
Steve Spurrier came in with Manly Man Safari once again with him. Spurrier said he'd made the Manly Man the official masseuse for the USC football team. Spurrier said that Manly Man, with his 5 versions, could get him off a whole lot better than his wife ever could. Since Manly Man was that good to him, Spurrier decided to let the rest of the team share in the benefits. As for the team, Spurrier got them all together in preparation for football season this coming fall, and got them to play a game to increase their "strenth." He made all the boys bend over on the football field and stick their butts up in the air. Spurrier said this was a game he and his ex girlfriend used to play, called "Tap the Ass." Spurrier then ran all the way past the boys, tapping each one's ass as he ran by with his hand. Spurrier said that this was a new requirement for being a USC football player so long as he's in charge. Every new player has to have his ass tapped by Spurrier before he is accepted. Finally, Spurrier got another erection from his agression pills, and ran off to visit the other versions of Manly Man. Manly Man Safari stayed behind however and talked about Gay Easter, and made reference to Gaymas, held in the Ink Pitt a couple of years back. He said Gays everywhere celebrated Gay Easter, and that they too had their own "Sunrise Service." This service, however consists of lots of gay men and women doing unspeakable things to each other. Manly Man said he was going to ask Spurrier if they could have a Gay Easter Sunrise Service in Williams Brice Stadium!!! Manly Man Safari then said that USC actually stands for United Suckers of C*M before leaving.

The Classic Pitt Report updates four days a week on this blog!
All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 122

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 4, 2009


Is Red Doom good or bad?

Show 1: Doom Good or Doom Bad?

Red Doom was Rufus' guest today, in another pointless attempt to find a person who is one of the good guys. Red Doom went on about fat ladies as he always does, after telling Rufus that sometimes he was good and sometimes he was bad. Doom's thoughts on Belinda the BBW and Salvation Army Bellringer (what does she do the rest of the year?) led him to start making predictions. He predicted that in a few moments, Rufus would encounter someone from his past. And as predicted, out came the Manly Man Safari, straight from Rufus' past. The two had not crossed paths since the last days of their "relationship" which included such events as "Gaymas" and a botched Same Sex Ceremony between the two. Manly Man Safari came out with Steve Spurrier who was still trying to bribe Rufus with chocolate to fight the Ink Avenger. Spurrier said he had a car full of chocolate if Rufus would just come with him. Spurrier was too excited from his agression pills and had yet another erection. So he went off to find the Manly Man's other 4 versions to "help" him. Manly Man started hitting on Rufus, trying to get him to get back with him. Rufus said something wasnt' right because Manly Man smelled different. Manly Man said it was just "Monkey dookie," his new safari version cologne. Rufus once again told Manly Man that he was not gay and started throwing stuff around. Manly Man went off to find Spurrier, leaving Rufus alone.

Show 2: What Lenny Did to Betram's Face

Betram the Bisexual Bunny made an appearance today, for the first time in quite a while. His face was covered by bandages, with only his ears visible. He filled in the missing facts concerning Lenny's statement about doing something awful to Betram. He said Lenny was pissed because Vinnie Love and Rufus had given him a hard time about having relations with Betram. So he went back to the Hidey Hole and threw hot boiling water in Betram's face, scarring him horribly. However, Betram said things were looking up, as Doctor Dyson is giving him a facelift in time for Easter!

The Classic Pitt Report updates four days a week on this blog!
All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 121

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 2, 2009

Spurrier Good or Spurrier Bad?

Show 1: Spurrier Bad

Rufus was all sad yet again today, because thus far, he has found no one who could be considered a "good guy." He thought (yeah he did) about Steve Spurrier for a few minutes, but really decided right up front that the "Best Coach Ever" was not a good guy at all. Mr. Spurrier is known for taking his players down to a farm and letting them have relations with animals. He also is infamous for lining up cheerleaders on their football field and letting the players have their way with each one down the line. More recently, in an effort to get revenge on the steroid-filled Ink Avenger (Ink Avenger beat Spurrier really bad, dropping pallets on him and leaving him for dead a few months ago), Spurrier has starting taking some sort of doctor-prescribed "agression pills," which make him stronger and faster and very very hyper. It also gives him a hard-on! So Spurrier came in started hitting Rufus on the shoulder, talking about how he was ready for anything. He realized Rufus was strong, and tried to get him to help fight the Ink Avenger. Rufus refused, but Spurrier offered chocolate to him (Rufus' favorite food). Spurrier ruined it by comparing Rufus to Forrest Gump. Rufus got mad and sent Spurrier away. Spurrier vowed to get Rufus enough chocolate to bribe him into fighting Ink Avenger as he bounced off.

Show 2: Manly Man Safari helps Steve Spurrier

The Manly Man returned today, the "Safari" aspect of his faggy five-person persona talking for all. Manly Man Safari talked about how great it was to be back. Out came the Hands of Time, who excited Manly Man. Hands of Time said Screenface was supposed to be there because he was angry Manly Man (who Screenface thought he'd killed) is still alive. Hands of Time said that Screenface was missing for some reason, but he'd found a suitable replacement. Out came Steve Spurrier again, with his Agression pill created erection. He bounced around and Manly Man got all excited. Of course they ended up going into an alley where the "Little Man Princess" with his other 4 versions, took care of Spurrier's problem. Ugh!

Disclaimer: The following is fictional. No retards were harmed in any way. The real Steve Spurrier did not do any of this, but I did, acting out an improvisational version of him. Ok, so I didn't really go into an alley and let the Manly Man do things...mainly because I play Manly Man too. Wow this legal stuff is getting crazy!

The Classic Pitt Report updates four days a week on this blog!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are

(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson