Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Classic Pitt Report 145

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 18, 2009

Show 1 Clementine's Story:  "The Holic with a Heart"

Helloi, it's Mr. Clementine, back to tell all you all some wonderful stories! Today, Mr. Clementine is going to tell you the story of the 'Holic With a Heart! Once upon a time, there lived a man named um...let's call him Marty! Marty was a smart young man, and always curious about life. He was always trying to learn more about life by taking risks. He often took people up on dares, doing things most people wouldn't. Marty's friend once dared him to hit himself in the head with a glass dish, and Marty did just that! He was bruised and in pain, but he survived, and what a great lesson he learned about life! He did many other things that caused him much pain, but those tales are for another time. Today, Mr. Clementine wants to talk about Marty's good nature. Marty had an addiction to alcohol, especially beer, which was his favorite. He drank so much that he could hardly get drunk anymore, only getting a "buzz" after drinking 24 cans! So Marty had a real problem with his drinking, but that didn't mean he didn't have a good heart. In fact, Marty had one of the biggest hearts in all of his town!  It was proven when Marty found a kitten at his place of work that was abandoned. He took the kitty in, and tried to raise it. Unfortunately, Marty had only beer in his house and no milk, so he had take the kitty to the animal shelter, where they put it down in about 2 hours. Of course, no one told Marty. A few days after that, the 'holic with a heart couldn't resist a little orphaned birdie that showed up outside his place of work. Marty was going to take it in, until a mockingbird flew down and pecked it to death. So what have we learned today? It's okay to be an alcoholic so long as you still have a big heart. It's also ok to adopt kittens and then throw them away so the "Humane" society can murder them. And don't forget the birdie. Maybe it died because it deserved it. Well that's all for now! 

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2014 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,


 is purely coincidental

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Classic Pitt Report 144

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 15, 2009

Show 1: (only one show was held) Face the Gaytion pt 2 of 12: "The Gay Pole"
Manly Man Gaymerica Presents: The Gay Pole!

The Manly Man Gaymerica showed up today with something called a Gay Pole. On it were pictures of around 10 famous gay people. Manly Man Gaymerica said the Gay Pole is kinda the equivalent to the May Pole that people dance around or whatever in May. It's a large part of Gay May, which gay people celebrate every May. Manly Man revealed the 10 gays with much excitement. He revealed famous people like Prince, Borat, Chris Kattan's Mango character, the Wiggles, wrestler Randy Orton, and even the president himself, Barack Obama as being gay. Finally, Manly Man revealed Screenface as the biggest gay of all, prompting him to come out in anger. Screenface said again that Manly Man was dead because he killed him. The show ended with the promise of more to come.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2014 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,


 is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 143

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 14, 2009

Black Doom is in trouble with
Chief Blacktoes!
Show 1 (New Ink Pitt): Psychic Parlor Property Rights pt. 1 of 6:  Doom's First Visitor
Black Doom complained today about being interrupted from his slumber inside his new psychic parlor. Someone was outside at 6 AM knocking on his door. He opened the door to find Chief Blacktoes, who said that the land in which the psychic parlor is placed is actually an old Indian burial ground, and that Doom must leave. Doom refused, and got Blacktoes to leave, but he knows that he will be back. Doom then called out Stardust, who gave him the psychic parlor in the first place. He called Stardust an "Indian giver," claiming that what he gave Doom wasn't his to give in the first place. Stardust couldn't figure out why Doom wasn't more appreciative, and finally left as Doom called him a fag. Stardust said he was not a fag, but that he was a beautiful young man who loved fine things, like ladies' panties. With no fat women in sight in this new Ink Pitt, and his only company being a crossdresser and an angry indian, Doom remained pissed off.

Show 2 (Shit Pitt): Coming of La Luna Guerrero pt 1 of 6:  Juan Juarez talks of La Luna Guerrero
Juan Juarez claims to know
someone who can beat the 'roided
Ink Avenger!

Juan Juarez showed up today, for the first time since his last appearance on Mr. Clementine's show, when he got beat up by Ink Avenger. He was clearly seeking revenge, remarking on how Steve Spurrier was once again beaten by Ink Avenger. Juan Juarez said that these whole 'roid rage-fueled beatdowns that Ink Avenger has been serving up to opponents had to stop, and Jurez has just the man to do it. He spoke of someone named La Luna Guerrero and how he would totally defeat the Ink Avenger.

All characters, stories, photos, and
performances are (C) 2013 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Classic Pitt Report 142

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 13, 2009

Show 1 (New Ink Pitt): "Face the Gaytion" pt 1 of 12:  "Screenface Questions Manly Man"
Screenface wants to get to the bottom of the Manly Men
phenomenon, but they get to his bottom first!

Screenface showed up today, making his presence in the New Ink Pitt known by calling out the Manly Man. He got two of the five versions of the Manly Man, Safari and Midnight. Screenface said that he wanted to ask the "Manly Man" some questions. He said that he killed Manly Man in the Whitespace after he interfered with some of his nefarious plans. Screenface said that none of the Manly Man verisons could be the actual Manly Man because he was dead. He reminded the audience of the time he brought the fragmented mask of the Manly Man to the Shit Pitt. Manly Man Midnight's response wasn't at all what Screenface expected. Midnight felt up Screenface's butt and got all excited because he thought Screenface wanted to ask him some different questions. Midnight said he'd answer Screenface's questions, and he did by telling him that his dick was 9", and that he was "gay and ready to play." Screenface couldn't get one over on Midnight, and finally got frustrated and left, saying he wanted no part of the Manly Man, only that he wanted everyone to know that the true Manly Man was dead. Midnight talked with Safari, and then went on to talk about the Gay May celebration and about how he loved the Maypole. The two Manly Men also got competitive, and it was suggestive that all five will battle in some sort of dating show for Screenface's affections!

Show 2: (Shit Pitt): Timeslide pt 1 of 12:  "Hands of Time looses Control of Time"
Hands of Time, before getting freaked out after he lost
control of time!

Hands of Time snorts crack. He also smokes "wacky weed." Everyone knows this, but his behavior today was nothing like his normal drug-induced silliness. He paced around the Shit Pitt like he was going nuts, acting like he was afraid of everything. He went on about how he was losing control of time and how he had been experiencing "lost time" episodes during the past two days. Actually, he still thought it was Monday because he had somehow missed the time from then to now. He got really agitated when he learned that it was Wednesday, and said "you don't understand. I have to know about every second, minute, and hour as it passes." He basically said that there was no way he could be out of touch with the passage of time, since he is essentially, the Hands of Time. Then, Shithead came out and said he had a bone to pick with Hands of Time, after he ruined his plans for the Hydricks by exposing his Grandma Hydrick facade. Shithead began talking, and then his words and motions sped up, as if time was fast forwarding by itself. Hands of Time got totally freaked out, and ran off. Shithead thought he had scared H.O.T away.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2014 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,


 is purely coincidental

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Classic Pitt Report 141

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 12, 2009

Stardust & Speedier Storylines!
Show 1 (New Ink Pitt): Stardust and Speedy Storylines
Stardust appeared today and reintroduced himself for the benefit of a returning audience member, and then went on to explain the new speedier storyline format that will now be utilized in the New Ink Pitt and Shit Pitt. He then got a little carried away and started talking about beautiful young men again, and how you have to treat one right when he comes to one's house. Stardust said you have to raid the panty drawer, and pull out the sexiest, most decorative panties for that man to slip into before you take his picture! Is the Star-Crossed Crossdresser also a photographer?

Show 2 (Shit Pitt): Spurrier's Growth Spurt
 
Spurrier called Ink Avenger out today for what would be his final conflict with the hero. Spurrier had taken a whole bottle of Viagr--um agression pills and now he was ready to beat Ink Avenger like he'd never been beaten before. A hit to the head with a board couldn't stop Spurrier, but a quick look into Spurrier's internal organs courtesy of the Ink Avenger's x-ray vision revealed that Spurrier was about to stop his own self. The agression pills had begun to cause Spurrier to have the world's biggest erection...so big that he was in pain and had to scramble out away from the fight! Ink Avenger didn't have to lift a finger as the "cocky" coach quickly made his way out of the Shit Pitt.

All characters, stories, photos, and
performances are (C) 2013 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Classic Pitt Report 140

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 6, 2009

Trodemus is Black Doom again!
Show 1: Stardust Introduces Black Doom to the Psychic Parlor
The Prophet of Doom appeared today in the New Ink Pitt, inside a place that looked like a psychic adviser house. Stardust appeared and introduced the place as Doom's new Psychic Parlor, where he could make all his future predictions and such. Doom, who was still trying to figure out why he was once more clothed in his black cloak, got angry with Stardust, saying he had tried to separate him from the Shit Pitt but it wasn't going to work. Black Doom vowed to find a method of escape into the Shit Pitt again, even after Stardust told him that the two dimensions were separated by an inter-dimensional barrier. Before leaving, Stardust promised that the psychic parlor would offer both happiness and trouble for Black Doom.

Johnny Pizzazz does his introduction
 at super-speed?!?
Show 2: Hands of Time loses control of Time
Hands of Time, still in the Shit Pitt, called out Johnny Pizzazz  to give him a hard time, but the joke was on him. Johnny Pizzazz made his usual introduction, only he suddenly started talking at super speed! Hands of Time was baffled, since he wasn't causing it. Johnny Pizzazz wasn't aware of it, as he couldn't figure out why Hands of Time was so upset. Hands of Time then felt his nose, which hurt. Johnny said Hands of Time was all dazed and staring into space so he punched him in the nose! Pizzazz said he didn't think it was possible until he actually did it. Hands of Time started freaking out since time had elapsed without him knowing it, and ran off, saying he'd get revenge on Pizzazz but right now he had to figure out what was going on.

All characters, stories, photos, and
performances are (C) 2013 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Classic Pitt Report 139

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 5, 2009

 Preview for 5/6/09 

Tomorrow the official start of the New Ink Pitt begins, with the entrance of the Prophet of Doom into the new world! Look for Doom to once again be wearing his black cowl, though the reasons behind this may not be fully revealed. Doom will be given much in the New Ink Pitt, but will suffer much because of it.
Meanwhile, in the Shit Pitt, Hands of Time will be giving Johnny Pizzazz a hard time. Hands of Time will not have much time for this though, as he begins experiencing problems of his own that will turn his world upside down!

All characters, stories, photos, and
performances are (C) 2013 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Classic Pitt Report 138

Originally posted on my first blog, on May 4, 2009

Stardust in the New Ink Pitt!
Show 1: Stardust introduces the New Ink Pitt
Stardust showed up today in the new Ink Pitt, which is basically another universe that's parallel to the Shit Pitt, occupying the same space in time. Stardust talked of beautifying his new universe with decoration, saying a beautiful young man like himself needed a beautiful universe. The Star-Crossed Cross-dresser then said first he was going to give Black Doom and another "black" character trouble in the coming days.

Hands of Time in the Shit Pitt!
Show 2: Hands of Time talks of the Shit Pitt
Hands of Time showed up in the same physical space as Stardust did earlier (or perhaps it occurred at the same time, since they are parallel dimensions) but let everyone know that this was the Shit Pitt, separated by from the Ink Pitt by a thin universal barrier that no one could cross without his or Stardust's help. Hands of Time was so happy that now he only had to make time move for one set of characters, and decided he was going to give Johnny Pizzazz a hard time first tomorrow.

All characters, stories, photos, and
performances are (C) 2013 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.