Classic Pitt Report 129

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 15, 2009


Hands of Time can't hold Rufus!

Show 1: Hands of Time experiences Humanity
Hands of Time came out today, and as usual, was high as a kite. After about 2 minutes of talking about the spinning colors and cities (charleston, columbia, and greenville, respectively) he was seeing, he sat down and said he really wasn't a bad guy and that he didn't want to fight Red Doom, Johnny Pizazz, and their army. He said that he didn't want to fight, but Doom and Pizazz continued to persist with their army building and taunts towards him. So Hands of Time realized he had to prove something to them. He decided that he'd give a demonstration of his power, and all he needed was a victim. That's where Rufus the Retard came in. Hands of Time appeared where he was and started messing with him. He tapped his shoulder several times to irritate him, and then threatened to take all his chocolate and his action figures. Rufus finally got mad, and tried to punch Hands of Time. Hands of Time used his time freezing power to freeze Rufus in mid-punch. Usually his power is absolute, and no Ink or Shit Pitt character to date has been able to resist it. By some stroke of fate however, Rufus was able to break free from his frozen state and punch Hands of Time right in the face, knocking him backwards and sending his glasses and hat flying off! NO ONE has ever done this, in all of Ink and Shit Pitt history. The experience was quite a shock for Hands of Time, who backed away from Rufus, writing it off as some fluke caused by Rufus' retardation. So Hands of Time has experienced a little bit of what its like to be vulnerable and human, even if he is not.

Show 2: Manly Man hides Sambo
Manly Man was all excited to be with his newly aquired servant, Sambo Jackson, and couldn't wait to get his pants off. Of course, Manly Man was all set to discover whether it was true, what they say about black guys. He had Sambo take his pants down, and the Man Princess, in his Safari version, squealed for joy at what he saw. Black guys really are bigger! Manly Man was all set to do some really sadistic gay stuff with Sambo, when he heard Steve Spurrier coming. Manly Man hid Sambo because he knew that Spurrier wouldn't like him seeing Sambo. Spurrier came in, with his aggression pill-created erection, begging Manly Man for relief yet again. Manly Man tried to run him off, promising a better time later on tonight. He finally got Spurrier to leave. Sambo came back out, and Manly Man told him he wanted him to get naked and pretend to work in the field while he watched.
to be continued...

The Classic Pitt Report updates on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 128

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 15, 2009


Trevor Goes "Doodie Pickin!"

Show 1: Recruiting Rufus
Red Doom and Pizazz attempted to recruit Rufus the retard into their army against Hands of Time. Their attempts failed when Johnny Pizazz talked about being magic and using his wand on things. Rufus took it the wrong way and got upset. He said they were just trying to use him like Mr. Clementine, The Manly Man, and Steve Spurrier. Rufus said he happened to like the Hands of Time and didn't want to fight him. Doom and Pizazz finally gave up.

Show 2: Doodie Pickin
Grandma Hydrick had Wilbur and Trevor in the bathroom during this show. Wilbur, the trucker, was on all fours with his pants down, and Trevor was standing next to him. Grandma Hydrick was forcing Trevor to literally "pick the doodie" out of Wilbur's butt. Wilbur claimed to have been "backed up" once again, only this time it was hard and wouldn't come out. Grandma Hydrick felt that Trevor's help was necessary to resolve the matter, and she demanded that she get to watch for some sick reason. Trevor was aruguing back and forth with Grandma Hydrick, not wanting to stick his finger up Wilbur's butt. He finally got off the hook as Red Doom arrived at their door, trying to recruit them in the war against Hands of Time. Trevor was all ready to sign up, and called Doom his best friend. Grandma Hydrick wasn't so sure until she heard that the fate of the combined Shit and Ink Pitts were at stake. She was ready to send her boys off, provided they were home every night for dinner. Doom told them where to meet Pizazz and himself next week, and left. So Grandma made Trevor go through with the task of relieving Wilbur of his Doodie dilemma!

The Classic Pitt Report updates on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

Classic Pitt Report 127

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 14, 2009


Rufus witnessed the infamous
"rear-ending"of 2009!

Show 1: Easter Rear-Ending
Rufus came out today crying and then described in graphic detail, what happened with the Easter Bunny this weekend. The Easter bunny came to Rufus’ house, crashing through his window and pooping on his bed before running back off into the night. Rufus was scared, but curious, and decided to follow the Easter bunny. He found the Easter bunny at an old abandoned house. Rufus peeped inside to see what he was up to, and he saw a naked Lenny Leprechaun on the floor, getting rear ended by the rabbit! Rufus then turned to run when he saw the Easter bunny’s face. He said it was scary. Rufus told all this to Sambo Jackson, and Manly Man Safari, who showed up later. Manly Man Safari said that he got what he deserved for believing in Easter and not Gay Easter. Manly Man said that on Gay Easter, Richard Simmons brings all the good gays lots of pink frilly feathery things! Manly Man tried again to get Rufus to go gay, but to no avail. His attempts had a better effect on subservient Sambo, who agreed to go off with the Manly Man, calling him his new “massah.” Manly Man got all excited, thinking of course, that black guys are well-endowed.

Show 2: Doom and Pizazz begin forming their army
The second show started with Johnny Pizazz saying that he and Doom had started assembling their army, after Hands of Time told them last week to bring everyone they had to fight him. Pizazz introduced Just A Solider as the first “solider” in their army. Just A Solider said he was going to beat hands of time, swinging a stick around like a bayonet and declaring victory for the United States. He did this only after 2 minutes of talking to himself and seeing bats only he could see. Next, Doom introduced the Ink Avenger as the second member of the army. When asked what he would to do to the Hands of Time, the Ink Avenger went all nuts (still on the ‘roids) and grabbed Just A Solider’s stick, breaking it in half over his leg! He then snorted and talked about how Superman was his god and told him how to claim victory of evil. Ink Avenger said he would find Hands of Time in his hidden pocket of time and crush him. Suddenly, Doom got a vision and said that Hands of Time would not fall at their hands, but at the hands of “the one who sees beyond sight.” They still all vowed to fight Hands of Time despite this prophecy and set out to continue recruiting more to their cause to prevent the “May Move.”

The Classic Pitt Report updates Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson