Monday, May 2, 2011

Classic Pitt Report 121

Originally posted on my first blog, on April 2, 2009


Spurrier Good or Spurrier Bad?

Show 1: Spurrier Bad
Rufus was all sad yet again today, because thus far, he has found no one who could be considered a "good guy." He thought (yeah he did) about Steve Spurrier for a few minutes, but really decided right up front that the "Best Coach Ever" was not a good guy at all. Mr. Spurrier is known for taking his players down to a farm and letting them have relations with animals. He also is infamous for lining up cheerleaders on their football field and letting the players have their way with each one down the line. More recently, in an effort to get revenge on the steroid-filled Ink Avenger (Ink Avenger beat Spurrier really bad, dropping pallets on him and leaving him for dead a few months ago), Spurrier has starting taking some sort of doctor-prescribed "agression pills," which make him stronger and faster and very very hyper. It also gives him a hard-on! So Spurrier came in started hitting Rufus on the shoulder, talking about how he was ready for anything. He realized Rufus was strong, and tried to get him to help fight the Ink Avenger. Rufus refused, but Spurrier offered chocolate to him (Rufus' favorite food). Spurrier ruined it by comparing Rufus to Forrest Gump. Rufus got mad and sent Spurrier away. Spurrier vowed to get Rufus enough chocolate to bribe him into fighting Ink Avenger as he bounced off.


Show 2: Manly Man Safari helps Steve Spurrier
The Manly Man returned today, the "Safari" aspect of his faggy five-person persona talking for all. Manly Man Safari talked about how great it was to be back. Out came the Hands of Time, who excited Manly Man. Hands of Time said Screenface was supposed to be there because he was angry Manly Man (who Screenface thought he'd killed) is still alive. Hands of Time said that Screenface was missing for some reason, but he'd found a suitable replacement. Out came Steve Spurrier again, with his Agression pill created erection. He bounced around and Manly Man got all excited. Of course they ended up going into an alley where the "Little Man Princess" with his other 4 versions, took care of Spurrier's problem. Ugh!


Disclaimer: The following is fictional. No retards were harmed in any way. The real Steve Spurrier did not do any of this, but I did, acting out an improvisational version of him. Ok, so I didn't really go into an alley and let the Manly Man do things...mainly because I play Manly Man too. Wow this legal stuff is getting crazy!


The Classic Pitt Report updates four days a week on this blog!
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(C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson

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