Classic Pitt Report 160--New Boyfriend

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 11, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Thug Wife pt. 3 of 6: New Boyfriend

Rufus the Retard!!!

Wilbur and Trevor showed up at She-Peepers’ apartment today, expecting to be involved in a threesome with her!  Wilbur had called her back after the initial phone conversation and she had given them her address.  She-Peepers said she was lonely, despite the fact that she had a new boyfriend.  Wilbur and Trevor came in, and realized it was She-Peepers, whom they had met briefly back in the Shit Pitt.  Even though they knew of her strange ways, that didn’t deter the two horny rednecks from wanting to bed her!  They also don’t know the details of J-Diddy’s history with her.  She-Peepers was getting hot and bothered, as Wilbur turned on the charm.  She laid on her bed and prepared to let the two Hydricks “fill all her holes.”  Suddenly, her boyfriend, who had once again been in the shower, came out to find out what was going on!  The two Hydricks were astonished to see who it was!  She-Peepers’ new boyfriend was none other  than Rufus the retard!  Rufus wanted to know what was going on, and the Hydricks tried to lie to him.  Rufus would not buy the lies though, and said that even though he was a retard, he wasn’t stupid!  He told Wilbur that he could see his erection pushing against his pants, and he knew that they were trying to sleep with his woman!  She-Peepers had evidently told Rufus that she was virgin (even though she had actually slept with Rufus AND ALL the other members of the Strange Squad--Sambo & Optic Ink Eye being the others--back when they were all together.  For some reason, Rufus didn’t remember this, even though She-Peepers tried to remind him at this point) and he was buying that.  Rufus then told the Hydricks to leave as he labeled them “bad, bad, bad!”  They finally left, and Rufus then said he had to go back and take a shower AGAIN!  He’s either feeling dirty being around She-Peepers, or he’s playing with himself in the bathroom a lot!

Shitt Pitt--Timeslide pt. 5 of 12:  Optic Ink Eye and the Rebellion

The alien Optic Ink Eye!

Things started with Hands of Time complaining about not being able to walk any further since his rescue from Carnastas the Clown and the demonic Steve Spurrier.  The Rosewood cowboy had made him walk rather than ride Snigger the horse with him.  They stopped and the cowboy said they were close to the rebellion camp.  They then saw Optic Ink Eye walking towards them.  One look at Hands of Time was all that it took to put Optic Ink Eye in a really bad mood!  He was still upset that Hands of Time had separated him from his lady love, She-Peepers, who is now in the New Ink Pitt.  Hands of Time pitched an incredible fit, which was perhaps one of his most insane ones to date.  According to the cowboy, Optic Ink Eye said he wanted to do some really awful things to Hands of Time for banishing his girlfriend.  The cowboy wouldn’t even translate it was so bad.  Had Hands of time still had access to his power, he might have understood the alien, but it just wasn’t happening today.  The cowboy settled Optic Ink Eye down and told Hands of Time some more about how Shithead had taken advantage of the lack of people in the Shit Pitt, and had become nearly all-powerful.   He had kidnapped several well-known people, including Steve Spurrier, who he has transformed into a demonic cannibal.  Spurrier, Carnastas, and four others are his generals of evil, forming the fully-realized Six Shades of Shit!  The cowboy said Hand of Time was either for them or against them.  He pointed a pistol at him, and Hands of Time readily agreed to be on the side of the rebellion!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 159--Phone Sex

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 10, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Thug Wife pt. 2 of 6: Phone Sex

Wilbur got a cell phone today and called the number of J-Diddy’s ex-girlfriend with the intent to set a date with her.  The ex-girlfriend was  revealed to be none other than She-Peepers!  She had also been sent to the New Ink Pitt along with the others.  She-Peepers was a bit scared talking to the brother of J-Diddy, since the rapper was abusive to her.  J-Diddy had forced her to do bad things that she wasn’t proud of.  He made her stalk and then lure Mr. Peepers into a trap back in the old Ink Pitt.  Wilbur assured her that he was nothing like his brother, and that he treated women with respect.  The “Roadside Romeo” finally got She-Peepers comfortable in talking with him, and the conversation began to get dirty.  Wilbur was asking what She-Peepers was wearing and she told him a bra and panties.  He asked if she was touching herself.  Trevor, who was listening in, finally grabbed the phone and told She-Peepers to pull off her panties and put her fingers down there.  She-Peepers got a little scared because of the new voice, but also because her “new boyfriend” had just gotten out of the shower and she had to hang up quickly.  Wilbur and Trevor were left in suspense about who this new boyfriend is.   They were also a little upset that they didn’t get She-Peepers’ address, so they could hook up.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 158--Phone Number

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 9, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Thug Wife pt. 1 of 6: Phone Number

Wilbur Hydrick,  a trucker

Trevor Hydrick, honeydipper

Today found the Hydrick brothers, with the exception of J-Diddy and Billy G, out in the woods.  Trevor and Wilbur were alone in the forest, revealing that they had been there since Hands of Time sent them away from the Shit Pitt.  Billy G. and J-Diddy had both left to go to town.  Of course, Billy G. is now working for the Manly Man, but Trevor and Wilbur are not yet aware of this.  As for J-Diddy, he evidently went out on his own. Trevor talked about how J-Diddy had too much city in him, and could never adjust to living in the country like the rest of them.  Trevor asked Wilbur how he felt and Wilbur, who was taking a crap in the bushes, said he was feeling a lot better!  He then yelled because he had wiped his butt by accident with some poison ivy and now it was itching!  He came back over and talked with Trevor while scratching his butt.

Suddenly, Stardust appeared, sending Trevor and Wilbur into a flurry of blind redneck fear!  The two thought Stardust was some kind of alien, and started throwing rocks at him! Since Hands of Time had transported the Hydricks to the New Ink Pitt (See the April 30, 2009 blog), this was the first time they had seen Stardust.  They thought he was going to take them away in his spaceship and give them anal probes!  Stardust finally got through to Wilbur, who was ready to listen when Stardust said he had the phone number of a hot girl who J-Diddy used to date.  Wilbur, the “Roadside Romeo,” was quick to take the number from Stardust.  Stardust said he had given them the number to let J-Diddy know that his old girlfriend was here in the New Ink Pitt.  Stardust left, and Wilbur was ready to call the number, hoping this girl would be like one of his truck stop sluts.  Trevor then reminded him that they were in the woods and had no phone.  So the two made off for the city, in search of a pay phone!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 157--Suddenly Sexual Speeches

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 8, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Face the Gaytion pt. 9 of 12: Suddenly Sexual Presidential Speeches

Manly Man Gaymerica!

King Trostelus and Screenface were prepared to deliver their speeches today, in the presidential race for New Ink Pitt president.  Manly Man Gaymerica had it all set up, with Billy G. filming the speeches live and sending it to the Brovo network.  Manly Man said that Stardust assured him that everyone in the New Ink Pitt now had cable and would see the footage.  So after Manly Man went on with his usual gayness, he asked Screenface and Trostelus who would go first.  Screenface finally agreed, and got up on a makeshift pedestal and started talking about super villainy, and how he didn’t need anyones’ votes to take over the world.  Manly Man then interrupted Screenface and told him that he’d forgotten to mention something about the rules of the speech giving.  He said that the speeches would be contested under “Suddenly Sexual” rules, which meant that every speaker had to assume a sexual position while they gave their speech.  Manly Man  selected the “butt hole blast position” for Screenface, which involved bending over and sticking ones butt in the air. Screenface disagreed, and left before saying anymore.  Trostelus also refused, saying that he was King and he did not have to lower himself to Manly Man’s level.  Manly Man then declared himself the winner of of the Speech Showdown but got up on the pedestal and delivered his anyway.  He said that he would be open and bend over to whatever ideas the people had.  He said he was the president of the 21st century, making references to his gay, free-wheeling ideas.  Billy G. then let Manly Man know that he couldn’t figure out how to cut the camera on, and he had captured zero footage of the Speech Showdown.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 156--In Gaymerica's Office

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 5, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Face the Gaytion pt. 8 of 12: Screenface and Trostelus in the Manly Man’s Presidential Office

Screenface!

King Trostelus and Screenface showed up today, outside of Manly Man’s presidential campaign office.  He had called his two running mates there, but had not yet told them the details.  Screenface and Trostelus went back and forth arguing about who would rule the new Ink Pitt.  Finally, Manly Man peeked his head out from the bathroom door and told them to hold on because he was helping Billy G. in the bathroom.  Of course, Manly Man was once again checking out his campaign manager, taking advantage of his presence.  Screenface and Trostelus got angry with Manly Man because he was wasting their time.  Manly Man finally told them why he had asked them there.  He said that on Monday, they had better be ready because they would have to give speeches that would challenge the one that he had already written for himself!  So it’s the Presidential Speech Showdown this Monday in the Ink Pitt!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 155--Presidential Posturing

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 4, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Face the Gaytion pt. 7 of 12: Billy G. Hydrick’s Presidential Posturing

Billy G likes his new job!

The show began with Billy G. Hydrick on all fours, trying to find a missing contact lens for the Manly Man Gaymerica.  Manly Man kept saying it was down on the floor and told Billy G. which way to crawl to find it. Finally, after admiring Billy G’s upturned butt and taking several pictures of it, Manly Man then said that he found the contact and it was already in his eye!  Billy G. remarked that this was the best job he’d ever had, even though he couldn’t remember ever having one before this.  However, Billy G. said he felt a bit bored because he wanted to do some real work.  Manly Man had just the thing for Billy G, telling him to put on a George W. Bush mask he had for him.  Manly Man wanted Billy G. to pose as George W. Bush and make a public statement about how the former president supported the Manly Man.  After being a bit unsure about doing it since he felt it was lying, Billy G finally agreed to the idea.  Manly Man then fed him what to say as he filmed it.   Manly Man then told Billy G thanks, and that he would be in his private office watching the tape (and probably getting off to Billy G).

Show 2 (Shit Pitt) Timeslide pt. 4 of 12:  Rosewood Cowboy Rescues Hands of Time

Rosewood Cowboy saves the day!

     The Hands of Time was in a serious jam today.  On the run from the new demonic Steve Spurrier and Carnastas the clown, he had finally reached a dead end.  Spurrier and Carnastas had him trapped.  They were already eating his trademark hat, and hungry for more.  Steve Spurrier mentioned how tasty the Hands of Time’s calves looked.  They reminded him of a football player’s legs.  Just when they were about to devour the powerless Hands of Time, law and order stepped in to stop them.  It was none other than the Rosewood Cowboy.  He held out his shiny pistol and pointed it straight at the two creatures.  He told them that if they tried anything that he was going to pump them full of lead.  Carnastas and Spurrier backed away and then ran off, vowing to get them eventually.  The cowboy helped Hands of Time to his feet and told him what had been happening in the six months he’s been absent from the Shit Pitt.  It seems that Shithead has taken total control and Carnastas and Spurrier are his minions.  The cowboy then asked Hands of Time if he knew how to ride a horse.  The cowboy’s horse, Snigger, was nearby and they would use him as transportation.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental

Classic Pitt Report 154--Three-Legged Race/Coming of Carnastas

Originally posted on my first blog, on June 3, 2009

New Ink Pitt--Face the Gaytion pt. 6 of 12: Three-Legged Race

King Trostelus!

     Manly Man Gaymerica came out today and declared that he was the only sane choice for president in the race between himself and Screenface.  He said that no one wanted someone  who ruled with an iron fist in today’s society.  Manly Man said that he represented the free world with his openess about sexual orientation and race.  Speaking of races, the race between the two got a whole lot more crowed when Manly Man’s attempts to call out Screenface were met by King Trostelus!  Trostelus declared that this whole presidential race was a waste of time because everyone knew that he was the true ruler of the Ink Pitt, and now it was time for him to once again sit on his throne in this new world!
Manly Man messed with Trostelus, acting like he didn’t know his name.  He got Trostelus all upset and then told him he was messing with him.  Manly Man said that Trostelus may have been a fictitious king in the old Ink Pitt, but that stuff wasn’t going to work in the new Ink Pitt.  Manly Man said if Trostelus wanted to be in charge, he was going to have to run just like Screenface and himself.  Trostelus agreed, and said he would win.  Manly Man then compared the presidential race too a three-legged race, where Screenface and Trostelus were the two legs with himself as the big dick in the middle!  Manly Man  asked Trostelus if he’d rather be his running mate, because he felt a king and a man princess would work well together.  Trostelus vehemently refused and then walked off to prepare.

Shit Pitt-- Timeslide pt. 3 of 12: Coming of Carnastas

Carnastas the Clown

     The story of the Hands of Time’s timeslide to the Shit Pitt of the future continued today.  Hands of Time had just left Johnny Pizazz, and was finally realizing that he really has missed 6 months of time in the Shit Pitt, and this is no joke or fabrication.  While in an alley, he encountered a very changed and almost demonic Steve Spurrier, who smelled the Hands of Time and was out to eat him!!  Spurrier was accompanied by a demonic-looking clown who called himself Carnastas, the Clown Prince of Carnage!  The two tried to catch Hands of Time in an effort to devour him, but he escaped momentarily.  Carnastas and Spurrier have his scent however, and are also bringing in Spurrier’s Hellcocks to hunt him down!  What has gone so wrong in the Shit Pitt in Hands of Time’s absence to create this frightening new world?  How has Hands of Time lost control of time?  Is he going to survive to find out?  To be continued…

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) 2015 Joshua Dyson.  The characters portrayed in this work
are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental